CHRIS STOVER
Editor in Chief

Attending Temple was a “last resort” for Kendrick Davis.

“But when I was faced with making a decision after high school graduation, I took a second look at it,” he said.

“I thought, ‘Maybe this is a good place for me. I could fit in. There are opportunities for me to grow and plenty of things to get involved in.”

Davis, a senior mechanical engineering major, took advantage of the opportunities at Temple, prompting a panel to choose him to represent the graduating class as Temple’s student commencement speaker on May 14.

Having one person speak for the 4,270 graduates is no easy task. But Davis is up for the challenge.

“My goal is to take a look at where we are as a nation, as a world and as a university and bring those things together to come up with something optimistic, something that gives a promising tone to the graduates as you sit there wondering, ‘I spent these four or five years here, what is my degree worth?’” he said.

Davis grew up in an inner-city, low-income section of Pittsburgh.

“That’s why it was more important for me to get out and try to expand and broaden my horizons,” he said.

He was valedictorian of his high school graduating class and became interested in Temple because of his brother, Cornell, a 2005 alum.

Though he has pride in his hometown, Davis said it’s not the most ideal place to root yourself or start your career.

“My mom told me this since I was young,” Davis said. “She said, ‘Once you leave here, don’t come back.’”

He has kept busy during his years at Temple. In his freshman year, he was the chairman of the judicial panel in his residence hall. That led to becoming a resident assistant, which he has been doing since his sophomore year.

Last year, he got involved with Phi Sigma Pi, the national honors fraternity, and he was vice president of Temple’s chapter of the National Society of Black Engineers in his senior year.

Going through the process of applying to be commencement speaker allowed Davis the chance to introspect. Being chosen, he said, has been a “humbling experience.”

“[I thought] if I’m chosen, based off my experiences here at Temple, based off my outlook on the Temple community and the potential we have as graduates, that really speaks to maybe I did the right thing, maybe I took the right steps, maybe I influenced the right people,” he said.

Davis said many people at Temple have influenced his time here, including Honors Program Director Ruth Ost.

“I know what commitment and achievement look like. Kendrick could serve as the prototype,” Ost said. “Beyond his scholarly expertise, Kendrick is a major inspiration around these parts. He models excellence and involvement.”

Dean of Students Ainsley Carry, who helped Davis structure his speech, called Davis “an outstanding student and member of the Temple community.”

“He has separated himself inside and outside the classroom through his commitment to service, academics and leadership,” Carry said.

Davis’ efforts paid off. Last year, he won a Diamond Award, the highest recognition for an undergraduate at Temple.

Through his speech, Davis said he wants the graduates to do some introspection of their own, similar to how he did when preparing the speech.

“Think back to what people you touched, what people touched you, what experiences you had,” he said. “No matter what discipline you’re in, you have the ability to do great things and touch the people around you.”

Davis will start graduate school at Washington University in St. Louis next year, and he said Temple has given him the necessary experiences to transition into the next phase of his life.

“There’s time for you to grow in other places,” Davis said. “Once you’re done in that place, move on to the next. The world’s out there.”

Chris Stover can be reached at stover@temple.edu.

CHRIS STOVER
Editor in Chief

At a time of change and excitement for the Tyler School of Art, its interim dean announced her resignation.

Therese Dolan, the interim dean of Tyler, made the announcement Thursday. Her resignation will be effective June 30. Dolan assumed the position in January 2008.

“We are extremely grateful to Terry Dolan and wish her well as she returns to the faculty,” said Lisa Staiano-Coico, provost and senior vice president for academic affairs, in an e-mail interview. “She is a respected art historian and a beloved teacher.”

Perhaps one of the biggest accomplishments during Dolan’s brief tenure as interim dean was overseeing the move of the art school from its Elkins Park campus to its new $75 million home at 12th and Norris streets.

The building, which had been in the works for years, is one of the Temple’s biggest selling points.

“Terry Dolan did a superb job guiding Tyler through the challenging transition into its fabulous, new, state-of-the-art facility on Main Campus,” Staiano-Coico said. “And, as President [Ann Weaver] Hart said, she did so with grace.”

Dolan, who was unavailable for comment by press time, has been a faculty member with Temple’s art history department since 1980. Her specialties are 19th-century French art and contemporary art.

In January, under Dolan’s reign, Tyler snagged the Jack Wolgin International Prize in the Fine Arts, the world’s largest monetary award for a fine arts institution. The prize represented a monumental highlight of both her one-and-a-half years as interim dean and of Tyler’s history.

“We have such a high-ranked art program, and we have such a high reputation,” Dolan told The Temple News in January. “People only give to success.”

According to U.S. News and World Report, Tyler’s fine arts program ranks 14th in the nation.
Her tenure as dean also saw a small controversy.

In August 2008, the Philadelphia Inquirer reported on alumni donations to Tyler. Dolan was quoted as saying while alumni from the medical and business schools “have deep pockets, ours are still waitressing” and aren’t able to give as much back.

In a response on the Tyler listserv, Dolan said she was “dismayed” that her words were “taken out of context.”

The article struck the wrong chord for some Tyler students, but others are upset to see her step down.
“It’s a shame,” said Liz Schneffer, an undeclared freshman at Tyler. “I liked the way the school was run.”

Robert T. Stroker, dean of the Boyer College of Music and Dance, will perform double duty and serve as interim dean of Tyler. Staiano-Coico said Stroker brings “tremendous expertise and knowledge of the arts to the position.”

Before arriving at Temple, Stroker served as the associate dean at the Meadows School of the Arts at Southern Methodist University from 1996 to 2002.

“Terry Dolan has provided exemplary leadership as interim dean,” Stroker said, “and I look forward to working with Tyler’s outstanding students, faculty, administration and staff.”

Because of the university’s hiring freeze initiated in January by Hart, all searches for deans are on hold, Staiano-Coico said.

Hillel Hoffman, assistant director of news communications, said having other schools’ deans fill in as temporary replacements is not uncommon.

“It is not unprecedented for the dean of a Temple school or college to stand in as interim dean,” he said.
Prior to serving as interim dean, Dolan served as the art history department chair for two terms. She will eventually return to teaching in an art school quickly gaining international acclaim.

“With their wonderful, new building, Tyler is on the rise,” Staiano-Coico said. “We look forward to working with Dean Stroker to ensure Tyler continues to move forward on its current exciting trajectory.”

Chris Stover can be reached at stover@temple.edu.

Original post from temple-news.com, published in the Sept. 30 edition. Graphic by Kriston Bethel.

CHRIS STOVER
Editor in Chief

It’s not easy being Republican at Temple, let alone in Philadelphia.

“Our challenges originally were letting people know that we exist,” said Brian McGovern, president of the Temple College Republicans. “That’s still our challenge today, but we’re doing a lot better with it.”

Temple has had a strong Democratic presence on campus since the six weeks leading up to the Pennsylvania Primary in April. Campus visits from Sen. Hillary Clinton and her daughter, Chelsea, cast a shadow over Sen. John McCain, who at the time was already the presumptive Republican nominee for president.

So far this semester, Temple has hosted big-name supporters of Sen. Barack Obama, including Private Practice star Kate Walsh and Howard Dean, chairman of the Democratic National Committee. The Republican presence isn’t as easy to find.

“This isn’t just any college campus,” said McGovern, a senior political science major. “This is Temple University in one of the most Democratic cities in the United States.”

YOUNG INFLUENCE
Young people are more apt to have Democratic tendencies, especially those in college, said former Philadelphia Mayor John Street.

“Young people are just smart and more likely to be in tune with a more people-oriented message,” Street said. “Young people worry more about the poor [and] working-class issues and are not yet burdened with making a living.”

It’s important, then, for McGovern and the College Republicans to spread the messages of McCain and his running-mate, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin.

“We believe that if people knew about the Republican message and not what certain news outlets or what their friends say, they would see that our message does work for them,” McGovern said.

The College Republicans began a few years ago with a handful of students. Recently, the group runs out of vacant seats at its meetings, which average 30 to 50 students, McGovern said.

But it’s not the only political group on campus. The Temple College Democrats were the organizers of the recent Howard Dean visit, which attracted more than 100 students for a midday rally on Sept. 19.

“I think that we are a more liberal campus, so I think that there’s a warm and open reception to us and the things we do,” said Elizabeth Hanson, president of the College Democrats. “On [the Republicans’] side, their message may not feel as welcome all the time.”

McGovern said the relationship between the two groups was “shaky” a few years ago, but they now share a “decent friendship.”

“We want to be controversial, but we don’t want to be too controversial,” McGovern said. “We’re looking to keep the discourse civil on campus, and maintaining our relationships helps to keep it civil.”

Hanson, a junior political science major, agrees with McGovern and added that forming a good relationship now can help in their political futures.

“We know that even though we differ on most things, it’s better to learn to reach across the aisle now because how else would we do it in Washington?” she said.

DEMOCRATIC DOMINANCE
Philadelphia hasn’t had a Republican mayor since Bernard Samuel in 1952.

“Philadelphia is a blue-collar town dominated by unions, poor people and minorities,” Street said. “In all fairness, it’s hard for the Republicans to get the political traction in most neighborhoods.”

Street, who teaches a political science course at Temple on urban politics, succeeded Ed Rendell as mayor in December 1999. He said it’ll be a while until Philadelphia sees a Republican mayor.

“It will be tough for any Republican to win until the Democrats make a bad mistake,” Street said. “Times change. Political parties get fat and comfortable.”

But Street credits U.S. Rep. Bob Brady with staying on top of Philadelphia’s Democratic Party and said he does not see “any big opportunity for the Republicans in the near future.”

Voter registration numbers align with Street’s prediction. In a city just shy of 1.5 million people, 1,073,174 residents are registered to vote, according to the Philadelphia Board of Elections as of Sept. 22. Nearly 840,000 are registered Democrat while only 144,000 are registered Republican.

Michael Hagen, a professor in the political science department, said Republican mayoral candidates shouldn’t be written off the ballot just yet.

“They haven’t been out of the running in every mayoral election,” Hagen said. “There have been reputable candidates who have done pretty well. Those who have had a chance of doing well have faced an unpopular incumbent.”

In 1999 and 2003, Street’s Republican opponent in the mayoral elections was Sam Katz.

“Katz ran a great campaign and was as liberal as most Democrats and he still lost,” Street said, adding that he thinks the Democrats’ biggest vulnerability is the mishandling of finances of the city.

McGovern questions how many Philadelphians are happy with the direction of the city under Democratic control.

“If the same problems are coming up again and again, it’s time to take a look at the problems and realize that maybe it’s time for the Republicans to come in and find a different way to change things,” he said.

PENNSYLVANIA PROMINENCE
On Saturday, the McCain campaign opened its second victory office in Philadelphia at 1008 Arch St. The original is located in Northeast Philadelphia at 3605 Cottman Ave.

“We have a presence in every region in the city,” said Paul Lindsay, a spokesman for the McCain campaign.

However, there are 11 Obama offices throughout the city, which Hagen said signifies that the Philadelphia vote will be a crucial component to winning the state on Election Day.

“The presence of the Obama campaign is an indication that Philadelphia can be extremely important,” Hagen said. “Senator Obama is pretty popular among residents of Philadelphia, so it’s an appealing target for the Obama campaign to get people out to vote.”

Street agreed, saying the Philadelphia vote has been important in recent elections, citing Sen. John Kerry’s winning Philadelphia in 2004 by 420,000 votes. Kerry won Pennsylvania with 51 percent of the vote.

“Democrats cannot win statewide elections without a big plurality coming out of Philadelphia,” Street said. “Turnout of Democrats in Philadelphia is crucial to Obama’s chance of winning the state.”

Visits to Philadelphia by McCain and Palin have been few and far between, but Lindsay said the campaign has not lost sight of the Delaware Valley.

“Senator McCain will continue to travel throughout every region of Pennsylvania, and we’ll continue to focus on the Philadelphia area, especially,” Lindsay said.

He added that McCain “has always appealed to independents, Democrats and the Republican base,” but Street said the senator should take caution when campaigning.

“He has very little chance of winning Philadelphia. His goal has to be to avoid getting trounced in Philadelphia so bad that he loses the state,” Street said. “He should be very careful to motivate his base without getting the strong Democratic areas all excited about the election.”

For McCain in Philadelphia, Street said, “the lower the overall turnout, the better.”

VOTING MATTERS
“I would love to see as many registered Republicans as there could be,” the College Republicans’ McGovern said. “But it’s really important to me for people to exercise their right to vote. People across the world don’t always have that right.”

Both the College Republicans and Democrats have been volunteering with their respective campaigns and trying to get Temple students energized about voting on Nov. 4. Students with clipboards stand on busy street corners asking passers-by if they’re registered to vote. The deadline to register in Pennsylvania is Monday, Oct. 6.

Hanson of the College Democrats said it’s not always easy for her group to rally students.

“I think we face challenges that any student organization faces – people balancing work, school and life,” Hanson said. “It’s finding a way to make [the campaign] relevant and exciting and urgent on campus.”

The groups are in the process of organizing a debate slated for Oct. 20. It’s an opportunity for members of both groups to discuss civilly the issues that matter to them – college students – and create a forum for discussion.

“There should be a place for everyone’s political ideals in a place of education,” McGovern said. “We provide that, and we’re going to continue to provide that.”

Chris Stover can be reached at stover@temple.edu.
]]> http://chris-stover.com/2008/09/30/a-lacking-republican-presence/feed/ 0 Chris Stover http://chris-stover.com/2008/05/12/jh-cafeteria-to-get-summer-renovations/ http://chris-stover.com/2008/05/12/jh-cafeteria-to-get-summer-renovations/#comments Tue, 13 May 2008 02:28:00 +0000 Chris Stover http://chrisstover.wordpress.com/?p=73 ]]>

Originally from The Temple News. Photo by Julia Wilkinson.

CHRIS STOVER
The Temple News

Changes are coming to the Johnson & Hardwick cafeteria this summer, and it’s not in the turkey tetrazzini recipe.

The Louis J. Esposito Dining Court will see a major facelift, literally from the floor to the ceiling.

“It’s going to be a total transformation,” said Jeffrey Brown, marketing director for Temple Dining Services.

The dining hall will close at 7 p.m. tomorrow, the time when all students will be moved out of the residence halls. Lingering students will see the demolition crew arriving at that time as the construction will begin immediately, General Manager David Tolbert said.

The construction, the first structural change the building has seen since 1993, is scheduled to be finished by the fall semester, giving contractors a 19-week window to complete the renovations.

“Just like any other business or home, you definitely want to do a renovation in a timely fashion so that it’s a pleasant area,” Brown said.

The $4.2 million expansion, funded by Sodexo, will create 250 more seats in seven seating areas, bringing its total capacity to 704 people. The wall facing Annenberg Hall will be removed, and the structure will be expanded to the loading dock, Tolbert said.

The food will mostly remain the same, Tolbert said, but its availability will likely increase. A vegan bar, breakfast bar and omelet bar will be permanent features. Both the salad bar and fast food bar – which typically contains hot dogs, hamburgers, grilled cheese and french fries – will have two stations to ease overcrowding, Tolbert said.

“Just from the nature of the setup, it’s going to allow us to be more diverse and to do more things with our menu,” Brown said.

Additionally, a third beverage station will be added to the back of the dining hall. A display cooking station is planned to be added within the dining hall, which will act as a “teaching kitchen,” Tolbert said.

“We’re in the food business,” Operations Manager Dolores Abbonizio said. “I want food to be seen­—not flowers [or] statues.”

The overall goal of the new floor plan is to decrease congestion, Tolbert said.

The renovations over the summer mean new arrangements for students taking courses during the two summer sessions. Operations will be moved from J&H to the Student Center’s Valaida S. Walker Food Court.

The Burger King and Einstein Bros. Bagels will be open to use with the meal plan for cash equivalency, just as they are now. Inside the court itself, a J&H-style buffet will temporarily replace the current operations, Tolbert said.

Otherwise, no major changes will be coming to the Student Center food court. Signage updates and new food boards are the extent of the renovations, Brown said.

Posters featuring the new layouts adorn the walls as students exit the cafeteria. Brown said feedback has been positive so far.

“From what I have observed, students are excited about the dining hall being renovated,” he said. “They’re really happy to see that we’re putting our best foot forward in that area.”

Freshmen Samantha Fare and Matthew Surden, regulars at J&H, both said they are happy to see the overdue upgrades.

“I come in here a lot when it’s busy,” said Fare, a pre-pharmacy major. “We usually have to sit all the way in the back corner.”

A fan of the occasional omelet station, Fare said she is excited to see it become a permanent fixture.

“I think it’s going to be good for the cafeteria,” said Surden, a journalism major, adding that the larger areas will help the flow of traffic at the food stations.
Kristenne Perelion, a freshman accounting major, echoed the need for a change, saying the cafeteria “is kind of dull as it is.”

“It looks more like a real cafeteria,” she said, commenting on the blueprints. “And it looks really stylish – a good upgrade.”

Chris Stover can be reached at stover@temple.edu.
Staff writer Kurt Hirsch contributed to this report.

Originally from The Temple News. This is the final edition of Cut to the Chase to be published.

CHRIS STOVER
The Temple News

What do American Idol, America’s Got Talent and Dancing with the Stars all have in common?

OK, well, besides the incredible ability to indefinitely kill your brain cells typically used to hold the quadratic formula. In case you were wondering, that’s why you can never remember it.

The real answer – they all have judges. But not just your everyday, stern-faced, invisible personality judges. Nope – only the strong survive in the hamster-eat-hamster world of judging.

It’s time for the judges to get judged. Will they survive the scrutiny in this final edition of Cut to the Chase? Only Nostradamus would know. (Pity that he died in 1566, no?)

Let’s be honest. It doesn’t take much talent to be a judge. To prove this, we just take a random sampling of judges on popular reality competition shows.

Simon Cowell. Sharon Osbourne. Paula Abdul. See?

Talent aside, there are certain characteristics each judge must possess. First is a dislikeable likeability.

The meanest judge on every panel is the Brit. There’s no denying it. Yet, everyone seems to love the one everyone seems to hate. If only this carried over to American politics, we’d live in a utopia.

The rude, selfish, conceited, demeaning, arrogant jerk of a Brit will say you’re horrible when you probably weren’t.

Although, if you were horrible, you might as well change into a diaper and crawl into the fetal position with a bottle. It’d be less embarrassing that way.

To counterbalance the evilness of the Brit, we need to have the “all-American.” Let me be clear – the all-American does not necessarily need to be American. They just need to want to be American, like the Italian DWTS judge, Bruno Tonioli. Or David Hasselhoff.

A sense of empathy is required to be a judge, and since the Brits typically lack it (wouldn’t you love to see Simon perform a ballad?), the all-American must be brutally honest in a gentle, calm way.

Example: “Yo, dawg, that was hott. Totally killer, totally off da hook. You’re bringin’ down the house tonight!” or “Yo, man, I wasn’t feelin’ that one. Not feelin’ it at all. Tonight’s not your night, man.”

By incorporating clichés and early ‘90s language, Randy Jackson epitomizes honesty in a performance. Tonioli carries this over to ABC as so-called celebrities prance around a wooden floor. Over at NBC, the Hoff just proves to be an incredibly confusing human.

Alas, we need the female. Every judges’ table that has three seats must include one female. None would be sexist. Two would be over-bearing. Three would be apocalyptic.

A strong knowledge of the English language and an A+ in freshman composition should be required for the female judge. But why hold FOX up to such high standards when they can hire a semi-retired ex-Laker Girl?

Occasional unintelligibility aside, the female judge fills the role of the morale booster. At times, she can be harsh. But most of the time, the female must be able to find a glimmering light in an empty mineshaft 300 feet below ground.

Through careful analysis of judge placement, we can learn that reality television is slowly dying. When we put the future of mostly semi-talented individuals in the hands of grumpy, bitter judges, do we truly expect magic? Will we become a better society through the guidance of these figureheads? Is Paula Abdul sober?

Nah.

Over the course of this year, I’ve discussed numerous topics in entertainment and pop culture. Most of the time, particularly now, you probably haven’t cared. But you read, and for that, I’m grateful.

Perhaps you disagreed with my top 10 game show hosts. Maybe you researched some of my notable deaths of 2007. It’s even possible I’ve energized your undying fear of Oprah – her world takeover is looming.

It’s been an honor to cut to the chase, and I thank you for welcoming my undeniable charm and arrogance, column after column.

By the way, the quadratic formula is the opposite of b, plus or minus the square root of the difference of b squared minus four times a times c all over two times a.

Just in case you were wondering.

Chris Stover can be reached at stover@temple.edu.

From Journalism 2252: Writing Humor with Diane Bones.

NOTE: This is fictional. I do not have a Great Aunt Sue. But the University of Phoneix Online survey is true.

You know that lady with the soothing voice on the other end of the phone who took the job of millions of human telephone operators worldwide by means of a single audio recording? I don’t like her.

I realized this as she told me my phone call could not be completed as dialed. Beatrice – that’s what I like to call her out of my love for Bea Arthur – told me I could stay on the line to speak with an operator, but I hung up. Talking to operators is so 64 years ago.

You see, I was trying to get in touch with my Great Aunt Sue. She had recently sent me a check for $3,000 to cover my rent, car insurance bill and overdue Blockbuster fines – that “No More Late Fees” gimmick is totally overrated.

Great Aunt Sue never does anything out of the goodness of her heart. Don’t get me wrong, that sweet old cupcake will do you a favor – as long as she knows she’ll get something in return. Apparently, she was a frequent guest at the White House during the Coolidge years, but that topic doesn’t typically come up at family dinners.

So that’s why I wanted to thank her, but Beatrice said I couldn’t. With her gentle, condescending voice, Beatrice was forcing me to visit Great Aunt Sue face to face.

Great Aunt Sue doesn’t keep anyone updated on her whereabouts. For all we know, she could be dead. Although, we said the same thing three years ago at the family reunion as she ate cake right in front of us. You never really can tell with her – kind of like Peter O’Toole.

Now, Great Aunt Sue generally doesn’t like visitors who don’t bring gifts, so I decided to bake a batch of my mom’s famous chocolate chip cookies, the ones with the top-secret recipe. When I asked her for it, mom told me to look on the back of the chocolate chips bag. Part of me died that day.

The next morning, I tracked down Great Aunt Sue’s address through the use of a GPS device, a phone book and a game of eenie-meenie-miney-moe. It was off to Lubbock, Texas – the fried Oreo capital of the world.

You need to understand that Great Aunt Sue isn’t the most pleasant of creatures. I mean, she’d be the person to tell the folks at Extreme Makeover: Home Edition that she hates the house hundreds of volunteers slaved over in a week. It’d been nearly seven years since I last saw her, and she almost slammed the door in my face until she realized I was carrying cookies.

Small talk ensued after that. “How’s your health, Aunt Sue? How’s Cousin Gertrude nowadays? I hear she married Cousin Theodore. Have you seen anyone about that mole?”

Without those cookies, I’d have been out on my patootie. When she left to realign her dentures, I began to hear sounds coming from the wood floors below me. It was like a scene out of the movie Clue – although a recent study by the University of Phoenix Online suggests 97.3 percent of the world population hasn’t seen the movie, so this might be a lost comparison.

After investigating, I found the cause. Tied to a chair with a cloth in her mouth was a middle-aged woman. I couldn’t believe it. My Great Aunt Sue, the loving, kind and pretentious old hag that she was, actually held a fellow human hostage. And when she spoke, I nearly pulled a Marie Osmond after a dance routine.

Don’t you know it was Beatrice? I confronted Great Aunt Sue, who explained she ran into Beatrice in the canned food aisle at the supermarket. Aunt Sue lured Beatrice with a bottle of Robitussin, and one thing led to another. Turns out that Beatrice ended up being Great Aunt Sue’s live answering machine. All this time, Beatrice was just Great Aunt Sue’s puppet.

The good news is that Beatrice gets paid by the phone call, and her location allows for some freelance voiceover work, too. You know those commercials for Aveeno Daily Moisturizing Lotion? Yep, that’s Beatrice.

But I still don’t like the woman for being so deceitful. This was just one realization I had while visiting Great Aunt Sue, in addition to discovering Peter O’Toole might still be alive and developing plans to create a Clue fan club.

And if we’re being honest, it makes no difference to me. Beatrice may have that unmistakable voice, but she doesn’t even compare to the hotties on The Golden Girls.

It was hectic trying to get all of these interviews.  And our microphones weren’t exactly the best quality.  But hey…we work with what we have, right?

Originally for Journalism 2252: Writing Humor with Diane Bones

CHRIS STOVER
Writing Humor

I never realized it’s against the law to run over a squirrel in Delaware. Well, until I hit one. Then it became pretty evident.

I was on my way home from PetSmart, where I had just finished purchasing food for Baldwin, my pet gerbil. Suddenly, a Celine Dion song began playing on my favorite soft-rock radio station. And you know I can’t resist performing a ballad while driving.

At the very moment of the key change in “Because You Loved Me,” I saw a little, furry forest animal jump into my lane. I wish I could say I missed the squirrel like I missed the note, but the little bugger never had a chance.

I pulled over immediately, as my conscience wouldn’t have been at rest had I fled the scene. I’m Catholic – I generally feel guilty about everything. As I bent over to clean up the scattering of acorns in front of my car, a Delaware state trooper flashes his lights, ordering me to put my hands where he could see them. So, I began to do the Macarena.

“Do you realize that you just violated statute Q34S903 of the Constitution of the great state of Delaware?” the officer asked. His voice kind of sounded like Jerry Seinfeld’s, which discredited him a little to me.

He immediately cuffed my hands, forcing me to drop the acorns I had gathered for my acorn stew. Not fully trusting the trooper, I asked if I could give a call to the local chapter of PETA. I conveniently had their number stored in my cell phone from an incident seven months ago involving a groundhog, a magnifying glass and a cherry picker.

I could tell through the tone in her voice that Shirley, the PETA representative, was disappointed to hear about my accident – more for the squirrel’s sake than mine, of course. I explained that I was a friend of rodents, owning one myself. She then got offended that I referred to the squirrel as a “rodent.” And she confirmed the law.

Now, you may be wondering why I, a New York resident, drove to Delaware for gerbil food in the first place. The answer is quite simple: tax-free shopping. Duh. Plus, I could stop in New Jersey and have someone pump my gas for me. The convenience is simply unmatched – well, except in Oregon, where they also pump gas for you. But driving to Oregon from Pennsylvania is a bit excessive, wouldn’t you say?

The ride in the back of the patrol car allowed me to ponder life’s little issues. Like, what would my neighbors think of this ludicrous arrest? Will this damage my reputation as an animal lover? And really, where in the world is Carmen SanDiego?

I tried to make conversation with my arresting officer, Sgt. Wallace Gunthorp, III. I couldn’t get much out of him, other than he’s a Virgo and enjoys medium-rare filet mignon.

Attempting to drown me out, the officer turned on the radio. It must’ve been my lucky day after all – Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On” was playing! The more I belted, the angrier the officer became. He then turned around, screaming and cursing at me, until…

Thump. My little bugger’s brother faced a similar fate.

Not to be a hypocrite, the officer begrudgingly drove me back to my car, uncuffed me and wished me auf wiedersehen. He also slipped me a $20 bill to keep me silent on the issue, but I’m not supposed to make that information public.

So what have I learned from this incident? First, Shirley told me acorns are a great source of protein for both squirrels and humans. Second, I need to find a PetSmart in Delaware closer to the New Jersey border for a quicker, easier escape. Finally, I should always substitute Whitney Houston for Celine Dion while driving.

You know, appropriately replace a diva with a nut.