Celine Dion hates squirrels April 25, 2008

Originally for Journalism 2252: Writing Humor with Diane Bones

CHRIS STOVER
Writing Humor

I never realized it’s against the law to run over a squirrel in Delaware. Well, until I hit one. Then it became pretty evident.

I was on my way home from PetSmart, where I had just finished purchasing food for Baldwin, my pet gerbil. Suddenly, a Celine Dion song began playing on my favorite soft-rock radio station. And you know I can’t resist performing a ballad while driving.

At the very moment of the key change in “Because You Loved Me,” I saw a little, furry forest animal jump into my lane. I wish I could say I missed the squirrel like I missed the note, but the little bugger never had a chance.

I pulled over immediately, as my conscience wouldn’t have been at rest had I fled the scene. I’m Catholic – I generally feel guilty about everything. As I bent over to clean up the scattering of acorns in front of my car, a Delaware state trooper flashes his lights, ordering me to put my hands where he could see them. So, I began to do the Macarena.

“Do you realize that you just violated statute Q34S903 of the Constitution of the great state of Delaware?” the officer asked. His voice kind of sounded like Jerry Seinfeld’s, which discredited him a little to me.

He immediately cuffed my hands, forcing me to drop the acorns I had gathered for my acorn stew. Not fully trusting the trooper, I asked if I could give a call to the local chapter of PETA. I conveniently had their number stored in my cell phone from an incident seven months ago involving a groundhog, a magnifying glass and a cherry picker.

I could tell through the tone in her voice that Shirley, the PETA representative, was disappointed to hear about my accident – more for the squirrel’s sake than mine, of course. I explained that I was a friend of rodents, owning one myself. She then got offended that I referred to the squirrel as a “rodent.” And she confirmed the law.

Now, you may be wondering why I, a New York resident, drove to Delaware for gerbil food in the first place. The answer is quite simple: tax-free shopping. Duh. Plus, I could stop in New Jersey and have someone pump my gas for me. The convenience is simply unmatched – well, except in Oregon, where they also pump gas for you. But driving to Oregon from Pennsylvania is a bit excessive, wouldn’t you say?

The ride in the back of the patrol car allowed me to ponder life’s little issues. Like, what would my neighbors think of this ludicrous arrest? Will this damage my reputation as an animal lover? And really, where in the world is Carmen SanDiego?

I tried to make conversation with my arresting officer, Sgt. Wallace Gunthorp, III. I couldn’t get much out of him, other than he’s a Virgo and enjoys medium-rare filet mignon.

Attempting to drown me out, the officer turned on the radio. It must’ve been my lucky day after all – Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On” was playing! The more I belted, the angrier the officer became. He then turned around, screaming and cursing at me, until…

Thump. My little bugger’s brother faced a similar fate.

Not to be a hypocrite, the officer begrudgingly drove me back to my car, uncuffed me and wished me auf wiedersehen. He also slipped me a $20 bill to keep me silent on the issue, but I’m not supposed to make that information public.

So what have I learned from this incident? First, Shirley told me acorns are a great source of protein for both squirrels and humans. Second, I need to find a PetSmart in Delaware closer to the New Jersey border for a quicker, easier escape. Finally, I should always substitute Whitney Houston for Celine Dion while driving.

You know, appropriately replace a diva with a nut.